Hey friends!  This isn’t my typical blog post.  It isn’t directly about Jamie, yet it has everything to do with Jamie.  Confusing?  I know, right?  Just stick with me until the end and I will try to make sense of that.    

Most of you know by now that I recently resigned from my job at TEMP Associates after 14 years.  It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made.  I used to love my job with everything that I had.  I loved my customers and I loved serving them for so many years.  I am not afraid to say that I was good at my job either.  I was very good at my job.  Unfortunately, though, as I have already written about in so many of my other blog posts, my life changed dramatically the day that my brother died by suicide.  Everything changed, including my feelings about the job that once brought me so much joy.  Jamie died on April 3rd and I went back to work on April 12th, just nine days later.  I knew just pulling into my parking spot that morning, that my future was no longer inside that building.  I just didn’t know how or when I would ever find the courage to leave. 

Any good grief counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist will tell you that you should wait one full year after a traumatic life experience to make any life altering decisions.  So, I did exactly that.  I waited.  Miserably.  I’ve never felt so stuck in my entire life.  Day in and day out my mind wandered for 9 hours a day as I sat behind my desk.  Thinking about my brother consumed me.  I felt called to tell his story through my blog and as months went by, I felt an even stronger calling to start a foundation in his name.  But who the hell quits a career of 14 years to start a non-profit unpaid?  I mean, seriously?  Who does that?  Sure as shit not this girl!  Nope.  I have always lived my life by the book and much too responsibly to ever be that crazy.  But you know what?  I’m not that girl anymore.  Jamie’s decision to leave us changed absolutely everything inside of me and as the one-year anniversary of his suicide approached I knew it was time to make a choice.  I could either sit there at my desk and continue to live a miserable and unfulfilling life or I could throw caution to the wind and resign to chase this “thing” that I was feeling called to do.   

People ask me all the time what I am doing now?  Well, I am working my tail off to fulfill a dream called The JBR Foundation.  Did I ever think that I would end up where I am right now?  Hell no.  But here I am.  And, guess what?  I am scared shitless, my friends!  I am scared that I don’t have what it takes to lead a non-profit.  I am fully aware that I don’t know jack crap about starting a foundation!!  So, I have been researching a lot and I have been visiting with others that do have experience with non-profits to learn as much as possible from their successes.  Quite frankly, I am just jumping the hell in and hoping for the best! 

I have also been reading more.  I love Rachel Hollis.  I mean, I FREAKING LOVE HER.  I have read her books and I follow her and her husband, Dave, on social media.  I tune into their morning book club on FB Live from time to time too.  A recent Live was hosted by Dave and he talked about a chapter on failure in Rachel’s newest book.  You guys, I tend to be overly dramatic from time to time, but I am 92.73% sure he was speaking DIRECTLY TO ME!!!!!!  It was so good that I feel like it would be incredibly selfish of me to not share it with you too.  (Disclaimer, if you aren’t into the idea of growth mindset then this blog post might not be for you).

Rachel and Dave talk about the fear of failure.  They say it is one of the top reasons that you don’t pursue the dreams of your heart.  To that, I say, AMEN.  Basically, the idea is that failure is the roadmap to success.  If you are currently doing something in your life that is so safe it doesn’t give you the opportunity to fail and to fall, then how can you expect to grow?  It is the lessons we learn when we fall that allow us to learn and to grow into a better, bigger version of ourselves.  Dave said, “The bottom line is if you are currently in a position where you don’t find yourself stepping into something that is less certain, stepping into something that pushes your comfort zone, stepping into something that makes you a little uncomfortable because it is new terrain, you will not grow”.  He went on to encourage me (and the other 2,000 listeners that were tuned in) to ask myself if I was interested in a life of fulfillment or a life of feeling stuck?  Ummmm, hello friends!!!!  I sat at my desk every single day for an entire year after my brother’s suicide asking myself that very thing!!!!  HOW did Dave know that??  He went on to explain that the only way that you are going to get from where you are to where you hope to be is to get comfortable with the possibility that failure is for you and not an indictment of you and that failure happens to you so that you can become who you were meant to.  “You must start with the mindset that says I am going to be fueled by the learning that comes from failing.  I am going to pursue the possibility of failing because that is where growing comes from”. 

Rachel writes in her book about the fear of failure coming from a few different things.  First, the fear of what other people think.  Well, duh?!  Right?  Of course, I fear being judged by other people!  Don’t we all?  Or is that just me?  Dave so wisely pointed this out.  “Successful people aren’t going to judge you for failure because they know that their failures helped them to get to where they wanted to be.  The only people who are going to be critical of your taking a chance and trying to do something new are the people that are on a path behind you.  They are the ones that are going to be critical of you because they are jealous of the fact that they aren’t reaching for it themselves.  Only the insecure people in your life will feel entitled to judge you.  Why would you give weight to people who are not trying to have as full, rich, or impactful of a life as yours?  WHY?  IF they don’t embody the kind of life you are trying to have, the kind of life you want your children to grow up into, why would you give them weight?  Let it go.  You don’t need that in your life.  It isn’t serving you!  Their opinion doesn’t matter”!  Yes, yes, yesssss!!!!!  Preach Dave, Preach!  (Insert high five here, please)! 

Second, Rachel says the fear of failure comes from the perception that it is going to be too hard.  Let’s just state the obvious here, yeah, it’s going to be hard! But as Dave pointed out, life is hard, my friends!  Maybe you think your job is hard.  Maybe you think parenting is hard.  Maybe you think being married is hard.  Maybe you think being a good friend is hard.  So, if it’s going to be hard anyways then why wouldn’t you find something to do that might actually light your heart on fire even if it’s going to be hard?  I loved this next notion.  He said we get to choose whether life is hard because life is happening to us or we can choose if life is hard because life is happening for us.  We get to take ownership of the hard things that happen to us in life.  We can choose to take them and make them a part of our story instead of letting them be a reason that we are drowning underneath all the things that life will inevitably throw our way.  Umm..  correct me if I am wrong, but I swear I just said that in one of my recent writings?!?!  I said I could coward to this great loss and tragedy in our lives and go down the same dark path of depression and self-destruction that Jamie traveled OR I could own his story for him and try to make something exceptionally good come from his life, and yes, even from his suicide.  HOW DOES DAVE KNOW THESE THINGS ABOUT ME?!?!  I told you he was speaking directly to me! 

Third, Dave talked about the fear of being found out; found out for not being an expert on this “thing” that you are chasing.  Well, hell no, I am not an expert.  I have never started a non-profit before, so why the heck would I ever claim to be an expert?  I am the first to admit that I have NO idea what I am doing!  But, really, it’s more about the fear of letting other people drain me from believing in myself.  It is, after all, such a departure from everything that they know me to be.  So, it’s up to me whose opinion is worthy, and it is up to me to not let them take my power or to let them keep me from living out my full potential. 

A few other things he touched on that spoke to me personally:  self-sabotage and perfectionism.  So often we self-sabotage our dreams.  We too often stay in the safe place we have been in for years because yes, we are afraid of failure, but also because we worry more about what everyone else deserves than what we deserve.  BINGO!  I fretted for MONTHS about how resigning from my job would affect the owners of my company, my customers, and most of all my co-worker (who also happens to be my best friend).  I made myself sick over it until finally I realized that I was self-sabotaging.  I was the only one that was keeping myself from having the opportunity to grow into this new version of who it is I was feeling called to be!  When you hold yourself back to please others, when you sacrifice who you want to be in order to make other people happy, that is self-sabotage, my friends! 

Perfectionism.  (Insert long sigh here). I have always said that I am a perfectionist.  It is both a blessing and a curse.  It has served me well in life and it has also hurt me greatly in life to be such a perfectionist.  Gahhh!  I truly wish I could be less of a perfectionist and believe me, so does my family!  I would nag them a whole lot less if I wasn’t!  Dave talked about how perfectionism is paralyzing.  Perfectionists will rationalize reasons to wait to chase that “thing” they are dreaming of until they think the timing and the circumstances around it will be “just perfect”, so perfect that they can’t fail.  Again, how did Dave know this about me????  I kept telling my husband and my best friend (my co-worker) that I would just wait until I hit my 15-year anniversary with the company to quit my job.  I kept saying to them, “If I can just make it to that 15-year milestone with the company, I will quit then”.  Huh?  What the hell purpose did I think making it to that milestone was really going to serve me?  I honestly have NO idea.  But you can seriously ask either one of them.  They heard me trying to rationalize my timing for months on end.  Here’s the thing.  There is no such thing as perfect timing.  Perfect doesn’t exist.  That 15-year milestone I was so close to holding off for is another freaking year away!!  Who the hell knows if I will even be here a year from now?  Tomorrow isn’t promised for any of us, my friends.  Dave and Rachel say, “If not now, when”?  It is so true!  IF NOT NOW, WHEN?  “If you aren’t going to live your life now…  when will you”?

That’s where Jamie enters the picture.  If there is anything that I have learned from his suicide it is that I refuse to live my life unhappy from here on out.  I refuse to compromise for anything or anyone.  Does that make me selfish?  Hell no.  And if you think so, then quite honestly, that’s your problem, not mine.  I, for one, think that Jamie would give me a hug, kiss me on the forehead, and say “Hell Yeah, Baby Girl”! And then just because he had no boundaries what-so-ever and because he loved to push the limits with me, he would probably give me a little smack on the ass for good measure and say “Go Get ‘Em, Sis”. Then he would laugh his contagious little laugh as I scolded him for smacking my ass at the ages of 37 and 40! (Insert eye roll here). By the way, if you are reading this and you knew Jamie then you know that you can picture that exact scene playing out!!! He was a piece of work.

You guys, I would be lying if I said I haven’t had a lot of “oh shit” moments in the last month because I have.  Do I regret quitting my job?  Hell no.  But that doesn’t mean that I’m not scared.  I am.  I am scared that maybe a year from now I will regret it.  I am afraid of failing at this big, huge, scary, crazy ass idea I came up with to start a non-profit.  I am scared that I won’t be able to bring all the ideas and dreams I have dancing around in my heart to life.  I am afraid of failing in front of an audience that I have single handedly created.  But you know what?  My kids are in that audience.  They are watching me.  And, even if this does fail, I still win because my kids will grow up knowing what it means to be brave enough to risk failure in order to chase their dreams. They will grow up understanding that unfortunate things will inevitably happen to them in their lives, but those bad things don’t have to dictate their lives. 

Failure is a vehicle for growth.  I’ve got my seatbelt on, my friends, and I am ready to roll.  If you are resisting doing whatever “thing” you dream of doing, then I hope you find the courage to get in the driver’s seat too.  Life is short.  People are going to judge you no matter what you do.  So, you might as well let them judge you while you chase that big fat dream of yours. 

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?? 

XO – Jennifer

National Hotline for Suicide Prevention:  1-800-273-8255 or Text HELP to 741741