The last few weeks I have talked about alcoholism, mental illness, and the devastation that suicide has brought to my life in the form of grief. What I haven’t talked much about is the fact that the last 7 months of Jamie’s life was absolute hell on earth. His alcoholism and depression consumed him. He became a version of himself that even he wouldn’t have recognized had he been in his right mind. It’s hard to not be angry about the abuse that my entire family, (especially my precious parents), took from him in those last months. I won’t lie and say that I’m not still angry about it. I am. I hope that someday I won’t be. Still, deep down, I know that the person he became wasn’t even my brother. It was the monster we call alcoholism paired with mental illness that had dug its claws into him so deeply that he became completely unrecognizable even to those of us that loved him the most. I do take comfort in knowing that he didn’t intend to become that person. He didn’t intend to hurt us. In fact, the Jamie I grew up with would be horrified to think that he had hurt us in any way. He loved us too much for that. That I am sure of.
Several weeks ago at my parent’s house my Mom pulled out an old photo album of vacations from years gone by. Flipping through the pages was one of the hardest things I have done yet since my brother left us. Seeing pictures of us together as children was hard. Real hard. Even so, it left me thinking about some of the other old pictures that I have stashed away. I went home and did some digging into my own photo boxes. Because our most recent memories of Jamie are so painful to recount, I am even more grateful for old photographs. When I look at pictures of us as children I don’t see the monster he had become. I see my brother.
While my intentions with this blog are to open up the discussion on alcoholism, mental illness, and suicide, it would only be a disservice to Jamie if I didn’t tell you more about the Jamie that I love and miss so much… the Jamie that he was before alcoholism.
When I look at this picture…
I see the boy that loved people. Jamie was the definition of social. Even though we were just little kids in this picture it so clearly encapsulates our personalities. As you can see, I was never nearly as outgoing or as comfortable in a crowd as Jamie. I was marching my little self right back down the aisle to get the hell out of there as quickly as I could! Not Jamie. Oh, no. He always loved people. I mean, look at him! He was taking his sweet ass time to smile and wave at every single person that was in attendance at that wedding. He was always the social one. Not only was he kind to every single person he came into contact with, but he friended every single person he had ever met too. He never met a person he didn’t like. And in turn, everyone liked him right back.
I see the boy that was really, really funny. There is nobody else in this world that has ever made me laugh from the absolute depths of my soul like he could. He had a sense of humor that was unparalleled and a laugh that was contagious. He didn’t even have to speak to make me laugh. He could do it with his eyes and with a single look. In high school one of our teachers actually made me stand inside a closet to give a presentation because Jamie wouldn’t quit making me laugh. To this day, I have no idea why the teacher didn’t just kick Jamie out of the classroom instead of putting me in a closet?? I think it was because whether his humor and his laughter was distracting as all hell or not, you couldn’t help but to want his fun and playful spirit in your presence.
I see the boy that could make me mad! Even though he could make me laugh without trying, he could also make me angrier than any other human being I have ever met. We loved to fight. I have a million and one stories I could share, but there is one in particular that I know was his favorite to tell over and over again. One morning before school we had a big fight. He wouldn’t let it rest and he kept picking and picking away at me, making me angrier and angrier with every second that ticked by. I told him as we were driving down the highway on our way to school in his Cutlass Supreme that if he said even one more word to me I would jump out of the car. Well, he laughed his contagious (and sometimes annoying) little laugh and said “do it”. So, I did. I jumped out of a moving vehicle right there on Highway 34 (not my brightest moment). Because he actually did love me, he came back for me and picked me up off the side of the highway. I was bloodied head to toe walking into school that morning. Believe me, my parents weren’t impressed.
I see the boy that was both my biggest rival and my biggest fan. We pushed each other to be better at everything we did because we were both too afraid to let the other one excel at something a little more than the other. As a result, we were both accomplished athletes and damn good students. Even though we were in constant competition with each other, we were also each other’s biggest fans. My proudest moments were watching him on the football field, the basketball court, and on the golf course. I know without a doubt that in return he was equally as proud of my successes.
I see the boy that was my protector. Oh, yes. He loved to play the role of the protective big brother and he did it very well. We were once at a park watching my Dad play music. Jamie didn’t like the way a few fellows were looking at me. So, he posed as my boyfriend (without my consent). He literally slapped me on my ass and grabbed a handful while looking them square in the eyes and said to them “Do you like what you are looking at? Yeah. So do I. Keep walking”!!! While I have never been so humiliated in all my life, it was also one of those moments that I felt strangely and incredibly loved by him. I always knew that no matter what, I was safe in his presence.
I see the boy that loved to love. My absolute favorite thing about Jamie was the fact that he was never afraid to tell you how much he loved you. Sometimes it felt like bedtime took forever when we were kids because as we would all be laying in our beds at night, all tucked in and ready to sleep, you could count on Jamie to get up at least three more times to go hug Mom and Dad and give us all another round of goodnights and I love you’s before he would finally settle in. And when I say “as a kid” I mean that he did this until he was 18 and moving out of the house!!! I loved that about him. Even as adults, I could count on a random text message or a random phone call just because he wanted to tell me that he loved me. I don’t care who you are reading this, I would be willing to bet that the very last time you saw Jamie he hugged you and told you that he loved you. That’s just the way Jamie loved.
I see the boy that I grew up with.
I see the boy that was my first best friend.
I see the boy that I knew before alcoholism and mental illness stole him from me.
I see my brother.
I read something recently that said “I will learn to live in the sunshine of your life instead of in the dark shadow of your death”. I have it saved on my phone. Every time I start to feel overwhelmed by the memories of his last 7 months with us I open it up and I read it over and over again. Alcoholism and mental illness has left a painful footprint on our lives that will never be erased. I refuse to let his last act of suicide overshadow the memory of who he really was. He was a beautiful person. He was a son, a husband, a father, a cousin, a nephew, an uncle, a grandson, a friend… and he was my brother.
I don’t know how long it will take, but I WILL learn to live in the sunshine of his life… instead of in the dark shadow of his death.
XOXO – Jennifer
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)